Maybe we aren’t supposed to talk about what scares us. Aren’t we supposed to focus on the positive and face our fears without admitting to them?
That’s all fine and good, I guess, but I kinda need to talk about what scares me.
It’s this jump. At Heron Park in Kalispell,Montana, when I was schooling there before The Event at Rebecca Farm. Actually, that jump confirmed my fear, but I think I’ve been deathly afraid of ditch walls long before I was actually told to go jump one. Which is most likely why I never jumped the ditch wall at Heron Park and instead kept jumping the Trakkener that was before it like a complete imbecile. To the point where my instructor had to yell at me and I lost my shit.
This is not me, nor was what I was supposed to jump nearly this big, but it didn’t matter. I was petrified.
Lucky for me, there wasn’t one when I went Training at Rebecca 5 days later, despite there having been in the past.
But so what? I’m going to have to jump one eventually. I’ve tried talking myself through it, like “the ditch presents a lovely ground line for the vertical wall.” “Georgie is a smart mare with no issues about ditches. She’s not going to fall into the ditch.” “Georgie won’t even notice the ditch because she will see the ground line and wall and you need to relax and get over it.”
And I’m not sure what to do about it since I don’t see many of them. We do have a lighter version of one at our local xc facility and Georgie had no problem with it. But its not a TRUE ditch wall, so did little for my confidence.
To be honest I know I need to buck up and get over it. And move on. And jump a bunch of them really well and start to enjoy them. (I used to be petrified of maxed out tables and now I hardly notice them on course.) And maybe admitting the fear is part of the healing process too.
So, what scares you? Maybe nows your chance to get out and conquer your fears! God knows I certainly need to!